The FAQs No Therapist Puts on Their Website: Part 1 - What's Okay to Say (and Ask) in Therapy
Most therapy websites answer the logistical questions (we also have those on our website!): How long is a session? Do you direct bill? What's your cancellation policy? But they're rarely the questions keeping someone up the night before their first appointment.
The real questions sound more like Will you judge me? What if I cry the whole time? People wonder these things quietly, and sometimes they're the reason someone puts off booking for months.
This two-part series answers the questions we hear most often, usually asked a little sheepishly, partway through a session. Part 1 covers what you're allowed to say, feel, and ask in the room. The short version: almost anything.
Can I swear in therapy?
Sure thing. Please talk the way you actually talk. If the most accurate description of your week involves a few four-letter words, we want the accurate version, not a cleaned-up one. Therapy works best when you can be yourself, and for a lot of people that can include swearing. We've heard it all, so you won't shock anyone.
What if I laugh or make jokes about serious stuff?
That's okay. Humour is how a lot of people cope with hard things, and it's welcome in the room. You don't have to be solemn to be taking therapy seriously. Sometimes we'll gently point out a joke, especially if it seems to be helping you step around something painful. That's not a criticism; it's just something worth noticing together. And yes, we'll probably laugh too.
What if I cry too much?
There's no such thing as crying too much in therapy. That's what the tissues are for. Many people feel embarrassed or apologize when they cry, but you never need to. Crying doesn't mean a session is going badly; often it means we've reached something that matters. Some people cry in every session for a while, and some rarely cry at all. Both are completely normal.
What if I don't know how I feel?
That's very common, and it's a great place to start. Many people come to therapy knowing something feels off but unable to name it. Others feel numb, or feel several things at once that seem to contradict each other. You don't need to arrive with the right words. Noticing, naming, and making sense of your feelings is a big part of what we do together.
Is it okay to say I don't want to live? Will you immediately hospitalize me?
Yes, it’s okay to say it, and no, saying it doesn’t mean you’ll be hospitalized. Thoughts of not wanting to be alive are more common than most people realize, and therapy is one of the safest places to talk about them. Asking about suicide directly doesn’t put the idea in anyone’s head. Talking about it openly often brings relief. When you share thoughts like these, we’ll ask some questions to understand what you’re experiencing and how safe you feel right now. Most of the time, we work together on a plan to help you stay safe and get through the hard moments, and therapy continues as usual. Going to hospital is rare and a last resort. It’s for situations where someone is in immediate danger and can’t stay safe. Even then, we’d talk it through with you. The bigger risk is keeping these thoughts to yourself. We would much rather know, so we can help.
What if I don't know what to talk about this week?
Come anyway. Some of the most useful sessions start with "I don't really have anything to talk about" and then somehow we have one our most profound 50 minutes together. We can check in on how the week went, return to something from a previous session, or just see what comes up. Often, the thing that matters most shows up once you stop trying to plan it. And if a session feels quieter, that's okay too. Not every session needs a breakthrough.
Will you judge me?
Nope. Whatever you're worried about saying, we've almost certainly heard something like it before. Our job is to understand you, not to grade you. Many people hold back the thing they most need to talk about because they're afraid of how it will land. When they finally say it, they're usually surprised by how ordinary it is to us. That in and of itself can be life changing.
What if I leave things out, or haven't told you the whole truth?
That's normal. Trust takes time and repeated exposure to someone, and you get to share things at your own pace. Most people hold some things back at first, especially things that feel embarrassing or painful. If you realize later that you've been leaving something out, you can tell us whenever you're ready. Nobody is keeping score, and we won't be upset - we totally get it.
Am I allowed to ask my therapist questions about themselves?
You are allowed to ask; they might or might not answer. Ask whatever you're curious about: our training, how we work, whether we have kids, why we became therapists. We'll answer what we can. Sometimes we'll keep a personal detail private, usually because the session is meant to stay focused on you. If we choose not to answer, we'll tell you why. It's never because the question was wrong to ask.
Coming up in Part 2
Next time, we'll answer the questions people have about their therapist and how therapy actually works: Is it weird that I Googled you? Is my problem bad enough for therapy? Do we have to talk about my childhood?
If you've been on the fence about starting therapy, the clinicians at One Psychology Clinic in midtown Toronto would love to hear from you. Learn more at onepsychology.ca.
Dr. Danielle Kofler, C.Psych.
Clinical Psychologist and Clinic Director of One Psychology Clinic
If you’re in crisis right now, call or text 9-8-8 (Suicide Crisis Helpline, available 24/7 across Canada), or go to your nearest emergency department.
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