Why Everyone Seems to Have It Together (Except You): The Trap of Social Comparison

Have you ever scrolled through Instagram or TikTok and felt like everyone else is thriving?Everyone seems to be travelling, working out in perfect matching sets, hanging out with friends and going out 24/7, having the perfect relationship, while you’re just aimlessly scrolling your feed, feeling… stuck? If so, you’re not alone. You’ve likely fallen into something called social comparison, and while it’s a completely normal part of being human, it can also quietly erode your mental health.

Although I am a clinical psychologist, I've always been fascinated by social psychology and I love interweaving these concepts in therapy to explain human behaviour and to try and break these patterns if they are no longer serving us. Research shows that even just knowing about these cognitive biases can reduce their effect on us, so let's get to it.

What Is Social Comparison?

Social psychologist Leon Festinger (he was a busy dude, as he also came up with Cognitive Dissonance) first described Social Comparison Theory in the 1950s. He noticed that people naturally evaluate themselves by comparing to others, especially when they’re trying to figure out how to think, feel, or behave.

There are two main kinds:

• Upward comparison: Comparing yourself to someone you think is “better” in some way (more attractive, successful, confident - all of those people on social media with seemingly "perfect" lives).

• Downward comparison: Comparing yourself to someone you perceive as “worse off” (to feel better about your situation, saying things like "well at least I am not as bad as my mother"). This tends to make us feel a bit better in the moment, but does not last too long (hello DBT Wise Mind ACCEPTS - not a big fan of the Comparison one, to be honest).

  
  

Both happen automatically and often unconsciously. But in today’s digital world, upward comparison seems to be everywhere.

Why Social Media Makes It Worse

Think about it: social media is a highlight reel, not a behind-the-scenes documentary. People tend to post their best moments: vacations, achievements, their before and afters - not their messy breakups, mental health struggles, or lonely nights (well, sometimes they post that too).

But your brain doesn’t always remember that. It compares your full reality (including your bad days and insecurities) to someone else’s curated version of their life. And when you do that over and over, you may start to feel like you’re not measuring up (core belief of never feeling good enough activated!).

What It Can Do to Your Mental Health

Chronic social comparison can affect your:

• Self-esteem: “Why don’t I look like that?” “Why am I not doing as well?”

• Mood: Feelings of sadness, anxiety, envy, or inadequacy

• Motivation: Either pushing yourself too hard to “keep up,” or feeling so discouraged you check out completely

  
  

What You Can Do About It

You don’t have to delete Instagram or TikTok right away (I usually take a harm-reduction kind of approach, and this is no different). Here are some ways to protect your mental health while still staying connected:

1. Reality-check your feed

Remind yourself: This is a filtered glimpse, not the full story. You are not seeing someone's worst moments. That friend might have taken 40 selfies to get that “candid” beach pic. You’re likely seeing their best 5% or just 5 minutes of their day, not their whole life.

2. Curate consciously

Follow people who uplift you, not those who make you feel “less than.” Think about how your feed makes you feel - not just what it looks like. Does following that one influencer who seems to always look put together with the perfect life make you feel better or worse? Imperfect role models might be a better representation of most of our lives, more relatable, and make us feel less negatively about ourselves.

3. Focus on your goals and value

What matters to you? Try journaling or reflecting on your own goals and values. Are you chasing something because it’s meaningful - or because someone else has it?

4. Practice gratitude

Comparison focuses on what’s missing. Gratitude shifts focus to what’s already here. Try jotting down 3 small things you’re grateful for each day (no pressure for anything profound - “iced coffee” and having a good eyebrow day totally count).

You’re More Than Your Profile

Social media isn’t going anywhere, but with awareness and intention, you can stay grounded in who you are and what matters to you.

You’re doing better than you think. And the messy, unfiltered parts of your life? Those are just as real, and just as valuable, as anyone else’s highlight reel. Hard to believe, I know.

Need someone to talk to? Our team works with teens and young adults (and adult adults!) navigating anxiety, self-esteem, identity, and the pressures of online life. You’re welcome here, exactly as you are.

Dr. Danielle Kofler, C.Psych.